When I was growing up, I never even dreamed these two words could or would end up in the same sentence. But they have, and frankly it is quite scary.

Internet porn has been dubbed the crack cocaine of pornography and that certainly seems to be true. It is hard to admit you have a problem even if you have had legal consequences and it is very difficult to stop this behavior.

What may have begun as simple curiosity (especially with teens) can become a way of life which alienates you from your “real” relationships. That includes family  members as well as romantic partners and even co-workers or friends at school.

When teens dabble in this area, their immature brains do not handle the stimulus well and they may be “corrupting their love map and arousal template”.

This is a set-up for a lifetime of hurt and unhappiness.

Monitor your kids’ (both genders) internet use just as you do their opportunities for drug use. The symptoms for these addictions can be similar and the use of drugs and porn together is not uncommon. They  reinforce each other and make recovery even more difficult.

The consequences are different today… sexual exploration can lead to criminal charges which are difficult to leave behind when maturity arrives!

Have you ever loved someone… someone who was arrested or spent time in a jail o a prison?

This is becoming more common today and yet most of us are unprepared for this challenge in life.  The experience itself can feel like a death as the grieving process begins.

Grief includes anger, guilt and denial. But this grief is one with few support systems in place. There are no rituals to mark the passage of a dream, no circle of people who understand and are available to carry you forward. Instead this grief is surrounded by shame and forces many people into isolation and depression.

This guilt and fear can destroy your life as you watch the life of one you love crumble. Don’t let it! Join us on August 26, 2009 at 6:30pm to hear the story of  Travis Vining. 

He will share his experiences with his father who is currently on Florida’s death row. You may be surprised by his story and you will definitely be moved towards your own healing by his words.

For more information or to save a seat, call 407-415-3661 or email info@heartworktherapy.com

Freedom

Reaching for help

The Anonymous programs have done more to heal America than any other modern movement. They offer a place where we can experience honesty and integrity without judgement.

These groups have successfully tackled problems that have haunted humans throughout recorded history. And although they are most famous for the the healing opportunities they bring addicts of all types they are also responsible for offering hope to those of us who love the addict.

Parents, children, brothers, sisters and extended family have sought the comfort of these groups. In the family groups we learn to apply spiritual solutions to previous hopeless situations that have tormented our lives.

The words I am using are strong…haunt, torment, solution and spiritual and they are accurate. If they resonant with you and you have yet to experience the peace of which I speak, find a group and attend.

Go to at least two different groups (they have personalities just like people) and attend at least six sessions…yes even on the days you don’t want to go. Even if your mind does not want to listen, take your spirit and be willing to see what happens!

Bravo Mark Sanford! Your integrity is incredible. 

As a previous resident of South Carolina, I am proud, not of your actions, but of your honesty!

Real men, good men stand up and admit errors. Humans make errors and then, when they are people of faith, they ask for forgiveness. That is exactly what you did in your press conference.

Followers of the Christian faith profess forgiveness is given, a gift from Jesus, I hope that each and every South Carolinian will remember the tenets of their faith and remember that ” there but for the grace of God…go I”.

And thank you for the information that allowed us to realize that this was not a “just” sexual fling. You honored women as human beings in your confession.

Families throughout our nation face this type of crisis every day and  many of us in the family therapy profession appreciate the example of responsibility and honesty you have provided to other men.

In every life there are deceptions. The measure of a person is in their ability to stop the lies, “come clean”, then ask for and accept help.

Thank you for your courage.

I wish you well and will hold hope in my heart for you, your boys and your wife.

Trauma is not commonly associated with the legal system…unless you have personally been through the process of  arrest and incarceration. Or you have had the experience of watching a loved one or family member move through the system.

The pain of  the  family is difficult to express in words. Usually when asked about the experience, family members become quiet, wordless or tearful. Anger is also a common reaction.

These are also symptoms of trauma. Powerless is the feeling that is often shared quietly. Families frequently find it difficult to share with anyone the pain they feel…others may not understand and they may be met with the anger  about the crime their relative committed.

Does this fit for you or someone you know?

These concerns (and others) are the topic of discussion planned for

June 20,2009@8:45am at Mary Magdelene church in the Orlando area.

For more information about this group for families of inmates contact jeancanatsey@cfl.rr.com.

Curiosity

Yesterday, I heard the news, no more money for Abstinence Education. Instead we will focus on Comprehensive Sex Education…yeah! As a Clinical Sexologist ( a sex therapist/counselor) the news is exciting.

 There’s only one problem, no matter how many “facts” we teach, the teen pregnancy rate may not go down and sexual activity certainly will not go down. The biological brain(not the mind) and our  built in sex drive  just doesn’t respond to reason or facts.

Please don’t misunderstand, I support sex education and in fact am a teacher and counselor of healthy sexuality. And this is not a new interest, it has been my passion for 30 years. I am painfully aware of the number of teen pregnancies and the sorrow that this situation can bring for all members of a family and dedicated to changing our statistics. *

What I am saying, is that we are just beginning to understand sexuality and it’s connection to the brain. What we have confirmed is that the brain is the largest sex organ we have, and it is very powerful. Both hunger and sexual desire are primitive drives, designed to keep us alive and to make it probable that we will multiply. Given that information…what can we do?

Learn, listen, teach, encourage, support, and question our children.

LEARN about healthy human sexuality… what needs to happen in a relationship in order to assure that  both partners are respected. Healthy is always safe, what is required for “safe sex”. (Condoms are not the whole answer)

LISTEN to your children, your parents, but most of all yourself. How do you want your sexual partner to treat you…is that what you want for your children?

TEACH the facts…(you may need a refresher course, let me know) and gear the information to the age of the person you are teaching. ALSO teach VALUES!

ENCOURAGE  awareness in others. What do you hear and see in the media? What is it teaching you? Do the messages support respect of others and of yourself?

SUPPORT others who are teaching, as they may be protecting your children.

QUESTION the media’s teachings, the use of the computers in your home and your children. Softly, inquire about their hopes and dreams so that they will know that you are available to support their inquiries.

Most of all question yourself. Are you passing your values by your actions, on to your children. Trust your heart and prepare your mind. Sexuality  and it’s outcomes are to important to entrust to government programs.

*  in my practice, the children of  single parents often

 show up for counseling, with sexual and relationship problems of their own

Visit our website heartworktherapy.com for more information or call 407-323-9961 to make an appointment or to talk about a teaching event  for your group.

It seems that I was told that these words are a Chinese curse. But have you noticed that these are indeed fascinating times? There are so many areas that have changed in the last 50 years, but one that may not be obvious to everyone is sexuality.

In the 1970s, I had the good fortune to be introduced to health education via a practicum in undergraduate school.  Our class was charged with the task of teaching sex education to freshmen in an effort to reduce the number of sexually transmitted diseases on our campus.

As a young married woman with a new baby, I had a lot to say and so a passion was born. I felt safe in my family and so was able to teach this touchy (no pun intended) subject without fear of ostracism or misunderstanding in that southern town.

One of the changes I have noticed through the years of learning and teaching about sexuality is that we don’t…teach that is. Instead we seem to accept the skewed view of sex we are given by the media.

We no longer teach our children about healthy sexuality and we don’t allow others to do so. Kids are interested in this topic naturally and they will accept information from any source available.

How do I know this? From grownups!

As a sex therapist, I hear so much sadness from folks who were never taught how to sexually love another with respect. This lack of knowledge paired with one of our most basic drives and youth can be a disaster waiting to happen.

It seems as that as we relinquish our role as parent, it is being picked up by the legal system.  Our young men learn to see women (or men) as objects for their own pleasure rather than as human beings with feelings and rights.

Although this part of the problem may not be new, the consequences are escalating. The impact on a young man (and his family) can be devastating without correcting the underlying problem.

Laws and the legal system were not set up to remedy problems, only to stop behaviors and sometimes they are successful. However, imprisoning people does not stop the cycle of sexual abuse.

But knowledge and willingness can end many of these problems and make the world safer for all of us, including our children.

If you have children…get busy, teach them about love, about themselves as sexual beings, about boundaries and how to protect themselves and others.

Learn about healthy sexual development for yourself and them. The more you understand the more likely you are to raise children whose mistakes will not cost anyone their health or freedom.

Sexuality is part of our identity, not a choice and the desire to express it is as

natural as hunger is to an infant.

Sexual behavior is where we get to choose. If we are unaware of what hurts others we are ill equipped to make loving and safe choices.

In the words of a favorite song “teach your children well”.

To speak with one of our counselors, visit our website or call 407.323.9961. We are here to help you.

This quote has helped me to understand…myself as well as my family, friends, coworkers and my clients. Understanding is the one of the steps we all need to take to restore sanity to ourselves when we are faced with an insane situation.

What is an insane situation? (remember, no facts here, just perception) The answer to this question varies from person to person and from experience to experience.

The examples are so numerous that they are competing (in my mind) to be included in this brief writing. So I will start with a “solid “ example, one that may be known to many parents.

The sick baby

A sick baby, as a young first time mother, was an opportunity for panic and fear, an insane situation in my book of perceptions.

What do I do? Call the doctor, wait, and call a friend or the sometimes-frightening call my mother?

Today, as a woman of grandmother age, it is an opportunity to listen, to comfort, to wait and watch with confidence and amazement as the baby’s body heals. Thank goodness for the experiences of earlier days and the sanity those experiences bring.

In psychotherapy, awareness, self-knowledge, understanding and forgiveness are keys to changing our perception…that in turn changes our experience.

Often, we see examples of this in couples or relationship therapy as well as our own lives.

The troubled relationship

Why won’t he just…. or everything would be fine if she would… We all wish for the answers to these questions and often believe we have the perfect solution for another person.

The answer to these questions always goes back to perception. How do you see your world based on your experience? How do they see theirs? And where do these worlds connect?

Experience and values grow from our earliest years and they are often the unconscious directors in our lives. Awareness of these components gives us freedom to choose the life we really want.

The answer

What are your perceptions? Are you treating them like facts?

Call 407.323.9961 to schedule an appointment with one of our counselors or visit our website for more information.